All posts tagged Well

The good crockery

by Ms Optimism on June 13, 2012 in Depression, Family Life with No comments

Image via InAweofGod'sCreation

So, I’m home! I am finding that hospital is a bit like London, or labour, in that now I am home I am blanking out all of the shit that I hated and just remembering the good stuff. Like not having to prepare meals, or take care of anyone else except myself. And having a space that I can hide in. The ever thoughtful Mr Optimism has suggested that I blog about all of the things I hated, so I can remember them, but also so I may use it as motivation to do the things that will keep me well when my motivation is waning.

Now that I am home, I am desperately trying to maintain the motivation without being hard on myself. This is a tough ask for me. I have had small wins: bed early, got my art stuff out (didn’t actually use it…), checked email without having a panic attack, meditated this  morning. Still no exercise.

At the risk of sounding all cliched, this moment right now, this very moment will never happen again. It is unique in all time and it is up to me, up to all of us to live it in a way that is true. Each moment is a moment to be treasured and lived in a way that I can be proud of. With this in mind I am declaring henceforth I will use the good crockery.

I never use the good crockery. I save it for later. I’m not sure when later will come, what defines the moment that it is finally ok to use and indulge in the nice things that I have available to me. Why must I use the horrible stoneware now. What will happen if I use the good crockery now? I might feel good?

True, I might break the good crockery. But it is also true that the good crockery might break later on when I use it too. Or it might get broken while moving house, or be discovered by a certain 3 year old and smashed. Then I would have to face that my good crockery had existed and been destroyed without me ever having experienced the joy of using it.

I am of course using my good crockery as a metaphor, for here is a list of other things I do not regularly make use of because this moment is not a special enough occasion…

  • Nice bath smellies. In fact I am more likely to throw out a smelly unused 12 months down the track after it has gone rancid. This totally makes no sense.
  • My Chanel make up. That I splurged on years ago, and is probably giving me cancer now because it’s so old.
  • My antique glasses. In case I break them.
  • My nice clothes. Surely I should enjoy and wear them out now, while they still fit. Shit will go south soon enough.
  • Nice paper. This I acknowledge is truly neurotic, however I personally know another creative who does the same thing. I have reams of lovely paper that I will never draw on in case I ruin it. I just keep on buying it, and drawing on the crappy paper because that’s all I’m worthy of. If my psychologist sees this she’s going to go to town on me, I know.
  • My fucking expensive Trek Madone. This is a bicycle that is worth more than my car, which I refuse to ride in inclement weather because I don’t want it to get dirty. I don’t even know where to start with that one.
  • Quiet moments with people I love. Because I’m so fucking busy. Am I really? Or is it just that I can’t bare to sit still. The tasks will never be finished, I need to learn to relax in spite of the tasks.

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoy the good crockery, now. In this moment. Because I’m learning that enjoying the good crockery energises us, and reinforces the feeling that we are worthy of the good crockery. Worthy of positive moments.

Do you agree? Or am I expecting too much from the Wedgewood?

 

Soldier On

by Ms Optimism on June 5, 2012 in Depression, Family Life with No comments

I detest this ad. There’s so much to detest: that plaid vest, the power suits, that HAIR.

But mostly, there’s the message – When you feel like shit, and are sick, take a tablet and soldier on (and take your bugs to work to share them around, but that’s another rant). Please, make sure you fulfill your commitments to all those that are relying on you!

Solider on, toughen up, they’ve been my mantras – and it hasn’t done me any harm… Except the minor point that I’m completely burned out from looking after everyone else except myself.

Balance, people, we need balance.

Energy is not a finite resource. Use some of it to look after other people, use some of it to look after yourself. By looking after yourself you might even create more energy. Do the nurturing lovely things. Rest when you are sick. Repair yourself. Ilness is your body’s way of saying for crying out loud slow down! Not pop a pill and continue.

And don’t go to work, because I don’t want to catch your bugs.

Have noted that this campaign is having a revival at the moment. No! Do not soldier on! Rebel – Sag out. Take it easy. Be gentle on yourself. Hide under a blanket. Do what you need to do to get well.

 

Celebrate

by Ms Optimism on May 31, 2012 in Depression with No comments

Image via Homies in Heaven

How often do you celebrate the wonderful things that you have done? The big and little achievements in your life. It’s a weird feeling, right? Do you feel a teeny bit jealous of people who seem to have no problem doing it? I do.

My previous psychologist once asked me to write down 5 good things each day, and it was tough to think of that many some days. My fabulous business mentor wanted me to tell her my strengths in business and I was reduced to tears. We are not taught to celebrate our successes in this country are we?

I think we all need to become fabulous trumpet players. We should take lessons and practice blowing our own trumpet. It feels bloody weird to start with, but I think it’s an invaluable skill. And while we’re practicing blowing our trumpets our inner critic (or Itty Bitty Shitty Committee) is silenced, even if it’s only temporary reprieve.

So I dare you: Blow your trumpet! Comment here about something great you have done, big or small. Or ring a friend, or tell your partner. Then ask them to tell you something great they have done. Have a toot every day and see how good it can feel. Check out the guy in the picture, he’s practically orgasmic with joy! Or drunk.

I double dare and physical challenge you, blow your own trumpet.

Today I ran for 30 minutes, when every fibre of my being wanted to make a cup of tea and sit on the couch. If you’ve ever experienced depression you’ll know what a major feat that was. I felt proud of myself for doing it – go team O.

Hi ho, hi ho

by Ms Optimism on April 20, 2012 in Being Mum, Depression, Family Life with 2 Comments

It’s off home I go. The week has flown by in some ways, and in others it has been a long and slow journey. I’m excited to go home, but dreading it too. It’s amazing how quickly a girl can get used to daily massages – perhaps a new duty for Mr Optimism? Wishful thinking indeed! ;)

I have learned many things about myself, not all of them positive. But with learning comes change, and change for the better.

I have one more night before I see my boys again, which means one night in my own bed (sans snoring and poking feet) to rest and grow even bigger into my own skin again before I am mother, wife and boss once more. But always me in my own skin.

 

Retreat

by Ms Optimism on April 18, 2012 in Depression with No comments

I’m on retreat, from the world, my family, my work, myself. A friend recommended Akasha to me, and I’m so glad she did. I’m learning things, like how to sit still. How to do nothing for a bit. It took me a good 24 hours to resist the urge to do something, anything. Is it any wonder I have been depressed!?

As previously mentioned, I narrowly escaped a stay with Nurse Ratchett and I think looking forward to this week was a big part of that. So far it has lived up to all my expectations.

Firstly, I wake after a night of sleep. A night of sleep. Not a few hours, a whole night – without feet in my back, or a cat walking on me. Bliss.

Next order of business is a walk or a run, then breakfast juice, meditation and yoga. Then some lunch juice and a spell in the sauna. After that it’s time for a reiki session or a massage. Then more juice, maybe a spot of reading before dessert juice and bed. It’s simply exhausting…

Each day I’m feeling a bit more healed. The fabulous Mr Optimism told me I shouldn’t feel pressured to be “well” by the time I got home, which was exactly what I was expecting of myself. I’m certainly more relaxed, I’m learning a lot, and I can feel the good bits of the old me returning. I’m missing my boys and looking forward to going home, but not just yet.

 

If you have a friend with depression

by Ms Optimism on March 7, 2012 in Depression with No comments

Today I thought I would write a guide for people who have a friend (or partner) with depression. My BFF who dared to leave me and live interstate for some years (the cheek!) is now home again, to my proclamations of depression. It has struck me that he is perhaps a bit confused about what has changed about me, if anything, or how I am expecting him to be. If I was brave enough, this is a conversation I’d be having with him.

1. Being depressed is not just feeling a bit sad.

I wish it was. It’s a biological thing, that can affect you even if you have a perfect life. So it’s not always a reaction to shitty things happening. It’s also not something you can just pull yourself out of.

2. There are some very physical symptoms of depression, including:

  • Complete loss of short term memory. When we say our brain is like a sieve it we are so not joking. I count this as a physical symptom!! If we forget things it’s not because we don’t care. It just fell out of our brain
  • Inability to problem solve effectively or make decisions – so you might want to suggest somewhere for coffee, because we can’t decide *stress*
  • Lethargy/Tiredness. Not being able to get out of bed sounds like lots of fun I know, but it’s not – trust me. Especially when you can’t just stay in bed, but that’s a whole other rant.
  • Word Salad. When your brain just can’t find the right word. Please don’t make fun of us.

3. We are the same person.

OK, that sounds like I have MPD now. I don’t. You know what I mean.

Speaking for myself personally, I don’t expect my friends to treat me any differently. You don’t need to blow sunshine up my arse, or take pity on me, I am also not a project that you need to fix – I have doctors for that. Just be there for catch ups and chats and hugs.

4. Education.

You might find it helpful to read up about depression, try starting at Beyond Blue – who have good resources for friends and families.

5. Thank you.

Know how important your friendship is. Even if we can’t express gratitude right now, it’s so important to have friends around.

x

Contradictions

by Ms Optimism on November 25, 2011 in Depression with No comments

The hell and the frustration of depression can come from the contradictions.

I am bored out of my mind, but I lack the energy to do anything about it.

I’m wasting my time sitting here doing nothing, but anything I do will be shit so why bother.

I’m isolated and lonely, craving contact, but don’t feel like going out or seeing anyone.

I have so much stuff to do, so many people relying on me that I am going to do nothing because I don’t know where to start.

I need to be close to you, but if you come any closer I will literally stab you with the nearest sharp implement.

I am hopelessly sad, really fucking angry, but I am numb and unable to feel.

And the best/worst thing is only being able to even see how pointless these contradictions are when I’m well.

Things I wish I could say out loud

by Ms Optimism on November 12, 2011 in Depression, Family Life with No comments

Today I just wish I could say calmly and without anger, to a few people in my life actually, the way you are treating me and the way you are behaving – it’s just not on. It’s not good enough, and I deserve better than this. I don’t treat you this way, so please show me the same respect and courtesy.

But I can’t say these things because it’s not “constructive”, and will most likely just serve to make things worse.

So I’ll just truck on.

 

Out of the closet?

by Ms Optimism on October 24, 2011 in Depression with 2 Comments

So, I have depression. Pretty bad depression. Recurrent, has always been with me and will probably always be with me depression.

After my son was born I, probably not very surprisingly, suffered PND. It seems almost OK to tell people I had PND, because it’s a one off – something you can have and then move on from. I don’t know why admitting I have this other kind feels so hard, so shameful.

Some days admitting it is a triumph. Zoloft has toned down my perfectionism, so it’s OK to admit there’s something wrong. Even better that I’m doing something to live with it. Other days, I still worry that people will think I’m crazy, that I’m a nut case. Worries I had when I was a teenager, worries that probably kept me from looking for a diagnosis for nearly 20 years.

If you happen by, and you know me, I’m not crazy. I’m not a nutcase. I’m not embarrassed about having this illness. It’s just that I’m not brave, like the lovely Eden, who lays her soul bare on her blog every day. And has her real name up in that header. Maybe one day I’ll be that brave too.

I’m more OK than I have been in years and years and hopefully one day soon I’ll be “well”. We’ll see.