Love, life and laughter nourish the soul. So does art. Working in the creative industry, over the years art has become more work than nurture. It’s been nice to get in touch with art as fun again. Shopping for art supplies is fun, using new art supplies is fun and increasingly putting the colour on the paper, making the mark is fun too. Silencing the inner sarcastic bitch has been challenging (that’s shit), but not impossible, as I strive to enjoy the process rather than the outcome. And then apply this mindset to life.
All posts tagged Inner Sarcastic Bitch
While I did make a somewhat miraculous recovery at the retreat recently, some rather heavy family issues have taken their toll and I find myself back in the unhappy place.
My usual reaction is to deal with the problem. Do all of the things to get better, and do them a lot so I may get better quickly. For goodness sakes just stop being so depressed already.
Consequently I’m suffering from a bout of recovery fatigue. It takes me so much work to get better because of the type of depression that I have, and what’s the point, I’ll just be back here in six months anyway. I am really trying to be bothered to get better, if not for my sake then for the sake of those who rely on me.
Some people suggest I harden up and do all of the things. My psychologist has suggested that I go easy on the all of the things approach, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe just getting to bed on time and eating something for lunch each day is enough of a challenge for me right now (Inner Sarcastic Bitch: how pathetic). I’ll see how that goes.
Because even I am sick of listening to myself whinge about being depressed.
Whine? Why yes, both kinds!
The hell and the frustration of depression can come from the contradictions.
I am bored out of my mind, but I lack the energy to do anything about it.
I’m wasting my time sitting here doing nothing, but anything I do will be shit so why bother.
I’m isolated and lonely, craving contact, but don’t feel like going out or seeing anyone.
I have so much stuff to do, so many people relying on me that I am going to do nothing because I don’t know where to start.
I need to be close to you, but if you come any closer I will literally stab you with the nearest sharp implement.
I am hopelessly sad, really fucking angry, but I am numb and unable to feel.
And the best/worst thing is only being able to even see how pointless these contradictions are when I’m well.
Today I just wish I could say calmly and without anger, to a few people in my life actually, the way you are treating me and the way you are behaving – it’s just not on. It’s not good enough, and I deserve better than this. I don’t treat you this way, so please show me the same respect and courtesy.
But I can’t say these things because it’s not “constructive”, and will most likely just serve to make things worse.
So I’ll just truck on.
If she’d had a Kenwood.
Moopy’s birthday party is tomorrow, so today I’m elbow deep in fondant icing and flour. I’m tempted to also grab a bottle of wine, I’m sure that’s in the recipe somewhere…
I think about my grandmother a lot when I am cooking, I’m sure she’s sitting over my shoulder being horrified about how I’m going about it. I’m not much of a chef, but I set high expectations and thus will give most shit a go, like this. Note, this is not my cake LOL. It’s a work in progress.
If Nanny had a Kenwood I’m sure she would have shared with me the following tips, which I am now sharing with you dear readers – yes, both of you.
- Stop the mixer before adding eggs. This way when you drop the eggshell it isn’t smashed into hundreds of pieces and distributed evenly through the mixture.
- Stop the mixer before adding flour, especially if on high speed. This will ensure said flour isn’t distributed evenly around the kitchen and your face.
- Don’t bother with the splash guard, it is a useless piece of shit which just gets eggs and flour all over it – somehow the flour can get past the guard and all around the kitchen (see point 2).
- Don’t be so frigging lazy, do it the old fashioned way.
- For goodness sakes, be more organised you should have started this earlier in the day.
So maybe she wouldn’t have phrased it exactly in that way (she would definitely have said ‘for goodness sakes’), but I’m sure she would have worded me up nonetheless.
So I’m back off to MasterChef Optimistic Edition, hope I’m not voted off…
Alternative title: Why it is good to keep your cool when your car won’t start, even if it is just because you can’t be bothered to be angry about it.
Well maybe that’s a bit unfair, with the large number of reasonably serious events going on around here lately the car breaking down does register a ‘meh’ rather than a ‘FFS’ as it might have a few months ago.
I set off to pick up Terror from daycare yesterday, arrived, picked up. All good there. Hop back in the car, start it. It turns over, then, cough. Nothing. Great. I tried a few more times and checked the only things I am qualified to check – the fuel gauge and the oil. Both seem to be in working order. So I got a lift home and figured I’d get the garage to check it out (some time next week when I have the energy to do something about it). I made my peace with parting with a few (or many) hundred pesos and not having a car for a while. I figured it would be something disastrous requiring a full engine rebuild, or some-such. Logical.
Fast forward to this morning – a rather heated discussion with Mr Optimism about complex plans to borrow my mother’s car, or even if we need to. I can’t imagine I made much sense, things get lost in translation when there’s fog around.
Mr Optimism took charge of the situation, calling the RACV. Seems logical doesn’t it?
This next bit isn’t logical. The key broke when I turned the car off arriving at daycare yesterday, so I put it back together and didn’t think any more of it. Whatevs. But of course there is a vitally important tiny part inside that key, that fell onto the floor. Thus rendering the key and thus car useless, obviously. Why, oh, why? Mr RACV man spotted the problem immediately, and the car is back firing on most cylinders again.
So, hooray for a car doesn’t need fixing. And boo for getting worked up about things that turn out not to matter.
And take note fellow Astra owners, if one day your car just won’t start – check your key before booking in the mini-melt down and engine rebuild.
I have a husband, a child, a business, a half renovated house, depression and already have two other blogs I don’t update on a regular basis. Clearly, I am bored. I have too much time on my hands. I know, I need another blog.
Why? Let’s call it externalised ruminating. I don’t imagine PR companies will be falling over themselves to send the neurotic Ms Optimism product samples for review. I don’t imagine I’ll retire on the AdWords proceeds.
My life is, well, complicated. I think life is complicated for everybody. Sometimes my life feels too complicated for me.
Ms Optimism seems like a fitting moniker for me. My inner sarcastic bitch feels I am Ms Optimism, a pessimist with a sense of irony. However, I can also see the silver lining almost suffering a nervous breakdown, because I found a wonderful GP and Zoloft. And despite being up to the eyeballs in debt, having a dysfunctional family and a husband with a chronic illness, life feels almost good. And it might get better. That’s Optimism isn’t it?